Last Entry

I'm home. Though at this point it feels quiet weird to call anywhere home. The goodbyes with the host family were as sad and teary as expected. Afterwards, it simply left me feeling emotionless, not knowing what to think and being drained of all thoughts. The flight was painful, 9 hours in the middle of the day. Of course, I was the one whose TV was broken. Great. But I slept, and read, and listened to my Ipod, and at one point switched with my friend Jess to watch Ratitouille for an hour or so.

Coming home was unreal. My room smelt the same as I remembered. My books and pictures from before were still on my wall. Other than the new me, not much had changed. But I was glad to see my parents and sleep in my bed. I got an email from my host Mother telling me she misses her third daugter and that reading my letter that I left for them left her in tears and that shes already bought my host sister a suitcase to come visit me this Spring. She said its amazing that in 8 months I became a real part of the family. It was sad and nice to sleep after reading that email. But I called them today and it felt a lot better.

So now I'm left in a very very VERY stressful stage. A lot of things had been left behind this year. Leaving me with a driver liscence to acquire, summer school to complete, searching for colleges, and giving birth to the 17 pound German Food baby I made this year.

Thank you all for reading my blog, I hope it met standards. I encourage everyone reading to host an exchange student =D or to become an AFS volunteer. If anyone has any questions, I'd be glad to answer any at Clairemac93@verizon.net.

Peace bitches!

First Goodbyes

Today was my last day in Berlin. My family threw a goodbye party, inviting family, neighbors, and friends to wish me goodbye and reminisce on the year. Gifts were given and speeches were made, but I didn't have to say goodbye to them today, that comes tomorrow.

But today was my last day with my friends. It was also the Germany vs. Spain game. At the same time, Germany's time in the World Cup ended and so did my time in Germany. My friends and I walked through the dark city to the train station, where they waited for my train with me. As my train was announced over the loudspeaker, my heart stopped.

Indeed, a year had passed. And as much as you want to deny it, this is goodbye. For a long time. We cried, and I don't think I've ever felt such real-loving hugs as I felt tonight. Hard hugs that try to stop time, but fail, and yet hold on longer. They continually pressed the button to open the train door, so that we could hold a few seconds longer of a tear filled look goodbye and last second kisses on the cheek.

I found surprising refuge in a group of soccer fans going home. College kids who saw me crying and made me laugh and walked me home, even through my deep sadness. They all hugged me goodbye (something that after 5 minutes of knowing someone doesn't usually occur in Germany), but I know they knew thats what I needed. And still need.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to my host family. Something I don't even want to imagine right now.

Even though they won't read this, I'd sincerely like to thank those people here that took me under their wing such as Pitty, Herr Schuttler, Frau Doktor Schussel, and Steffi. I'd like to thank my Grandparents for giving out their love to a complete stranger as if I was their own grandchild, and...and a million others. I thank you all. And though I never thought it would happen, I've fallen in love for this country and this life.

I don't know how to be a good writer when I'm upset. Or have a nice ending. Instead I'll leave off saying the thought of sleeping right now is hard. I don't want to loose even one of those last moments.

I tiptoe towards the end

Leaving. Something that at times during this exchange you dream about, and others you slap yourself in the face for even pondering. Its a hard concept. You had a family here for a year, a community, a home, a room, a school, and all of this-good and bad- for a year was yours. And though I left as quickly as possible from Pennsylvania looking for any adventure available (as my Stepmom rightly phrased it-into a black hole), I've unconsciously become attached to all this. From little things like my German style bedroom windows and sharing our one bathroom with the whole family, to big things like how the main train station looks at night and being able to stay out until all hours.

I think what I'll miss most is the freedom. The trust, that once 16, your instantly handed in this society. Your never told "your too young" or made to feel inferior because of your age. Parents don't wait up for you or ask you a million questions over how your getting home. Instead, they trust you to take care of it yourself, that your smart enough to get home. And it makes you step up to the plate at a very young age. Or so I think.

I'm currently under the dilema of packing. I didn't realize the sheer load of crap that I've built up here. A lot has had to be thrown away (thereby I have no jeans to wear) and a lot is staying here. Still, I've had to send two packages home. The limit for my suitcase is 20 k. I will thoroughly enjoy lifting this on and off trains to get to Frankfurt, where I'll be flying out from. I'll be bringing back things that hold a lot of memories here. A carton of hand painted eggs I made at Easter with my host sister. Train tickets from all over the country. Entrance cards to the Black Eyed Peas concert and a Queen tribute at the planetarium. I'd rather bring those back than clothes.

Tomorrows my last day of school, and then Wednesday is my goodbye party with family and friends (and also the Germany vs. Spain game). It's ganna be a tough transition, but I suppose at least I know that beforehand. Summer school, getting a drivers licence, a job, and volunteering all await my return. I said towards the end that I wouldn't get sad and instead enjoy every moment. But at the very very end, its becoming harder and harder not to ignore the clock.

The Sounds of Summer

I find it hilarious that the kids at school complained all winter about the cold, but now its over 30 degrees Celsius and they are all still wearing pants, long sleeves, and scarves. Yes, scarves (God forbid Man be any less stylish due to weather). Then again, I go to a school where most of the kids come from the Middle East and Asia who are very "traditional". So basically I have two options. 1: Wear what they wear and die inside of myself. 2: Wear weather appropriate clothing and get dirty looks. I take the second. I always have the excuse of being the exchange student.

Summer vacation here hasn't actually started yet but the feelings definitely there. Fieldtrips are being made, ice cream eaten at cafes at all hours, and lots of naked butts to be seen tanning in the parks. I've been enjoying going to the countryside with the host Dad and swimming in the lake and tanning by the river with friends(my fellow students think that the reason I'm so tan is cause I'm American?). Parties are a lot more enjoyable now that I don't have to wait for the train in -20 degree weather.

As far as my report card, it was sort of stressful. I am getting grades in Math, Chemistry, French, Gym, and Music. They aren't amazing grades, but I was graded literally EXACTLY the same as the other students, no "your an exchange student, I'm just ganna throw a good grade at you". But its nice, I feel like I really worked hard for what I got. Before I left, I did English and History summer school for my credits. And then I'm doing Pre-Cal in the Summer I get back.

Trying to enjoy every minute I've got left and appreciate everything I have here. Hope everyones enjoying their Summer =D

Rush Hour in Heaven

Tonight was one of those times that you tell yourself "Don't forget this". So I thought I'd write about it. Short and quick before I get into bed.

Today a family friend, Saskia, came back from a year in the US. A group of about 20 of us waited to greet her at the airport.

But before she came out...A teen guy walked out with the same look I did on my first day. His host family was waiting to meet him for the first time. I was in aww. At first I smiled and laughed, as if watching a family movie of myself. But my smile quickly faded. Realizing that seeing him was confronting me with my year. That was me. That was a scared young girl arriving in the first foreign country in her life. That was me arriving at a huge train station after dark and looking around frantically to where my host family may be waiting. There was me 10 months ago.

Then Saskia came out. Flabergasted and unable to speak German, she didn't know how to react to leaving one life for the next. In a matter of minutes, I saw my year flash in front of me. I saw my first moment in Germany. And through Saskia, I saw my last.

We all headed to Saskias house for a welcoming party. But my head was a blur. I cried in my host Moms and sisters arms knowing this party made me realize how close I am to the end. I realized my year has flashed behind me.

The party ended up being amazing. But coming home at 11, riding in the dark of the countryside with my family, seeing the planes fly over and the trains pass where all you could make out was lit up windows, I realized how much moments like that mean to me. Simple moments where I think with all my heart "I'm happy"- as easy as that. The end is coming, and its sad, but the ride is so enjoyable that one just has to close their eyes and act like the end isn't coming.

Speaking the Language

Fresh back from my End of Stay camp in Berlin (aka here), I'm now faced with the fact I have three weeks remaining. Though some cried at camp about how little time is remaining, I'm not ashamed to say that I am equally as sad to leave as excited to return. Yes, Germany has been a great year and I have tons of memories, buuuuut I also put my life on hold back home for a year, and I'm quiet looking forward to all that the next year will bring.

But one thing that was a surprise for me at camp, was how many fellow exchange students spoke to family or friends in Germany in English. Some people got calls from their host sister or friends from school, and spoke completely in English. I know they don't all do it, but it was just quiet shocking. I feel incredibly guilty talking to anyone in English, and I only have a year to learn German.

This got me to an interesting topic. Apparently, many host kids have been asked by their host families to teach them English and many host in order to "learn English". They have asked that in return for them paying for your food and housing you, that it's only fair that you speak English with them, even if its just at meals. Now, my host family didn't do that, but I'm drawn in my mind of what I would have done had they asked. I mean, I understand that hosting really is not only time consuming but takes money, but its also not an exchange students job to teach and if I came from any other country I would not be put into this position.

But I get it quiet often, people trying to practice their English on me. A good tactic is just to respond in German until they stop. It's just that in Germany, they teach English very well, and when someone hears your accent they almost instantly respond to you in English. But, if I started talking to you in German, you should respond in that language. If I was a tourist, I'd start in English.

Also, the World Cup is going on right now. Something I've never heard of in the states (because if you haven't noticed we suck at soccer...). People all around the city go to bars or viewing parties to watch the game, and in fact my host family is hosting a viewing party tonight for the first German soccer game against Australia. Last night, America tied against England 1-1. Not bad, America.

It's Tuesday the 8th!

Things I've Surprisingly Gotten Used To:
- Sucky weather. I got so used to it that when good weather came I didn't know how to react. But my mood lifted like crazy, until a random day of cold dark weather, in which it dropped from its high.
- People not moving on the sidewalks. When someone is coming in your direction, your ganna have to move, cause they won't. This makes me wonder what happens when two Germans walking in opposite directions pass one another. Must be cataclysmic.
- Class's "falling out" (snaps for Claire's direct translation). In school, when teachers don't come, you don't have class. No substitute, just no class. Free time. I think I'm ganna die when I come back to substitutes and busy work.
- Not smiling at babies and dogs. NOT SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE HERE AND SO FREAKING HARD TO RESIST!

Things I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Used To:
- Seltzer Water ( ALL water here is with bubbles, and despite my year long exposure to it, I can't drink it. My family thinks I'm nuts that I drink from the tap)
- Lack of shorts/skirts. Lets just say its been over 20 for a couple weeks now, and NOT ONE person in my class has worn shorts or skirts.
- Meals. My stomach, after 16 years of having Dinner as my biggest meal, is still not used to lunch being the biggest and eating practically nothing for dinner.
- Using the formal and informal versions of "you" (much like in Spanish). I can't seem to remember that when speaking to strangers or elders I should use "Sie". With strangers its not a big deal, but the elderly here get really peeved if you don't show respect.

I also wanted to discuss the grimy parts of living in the countries capital.

1. Gypsies. Yeah, yeah, Ezmerelda was cool and pretty in the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but these ladies are no Disney characters. With gold teeth, long skirts, and always seeming to have a baby in their arms, I find myself avoiding certain parks and train stops so I don't run into them. They always ask the same question, "speak English??" and when I first came here, I fell for it! EVERY TIME! I kept thinking it was someone needing directions. But once you say yes, they'll hand you a card explaining some tragic story and asking for money. I think it goes way too far when I see them training their young kids to beg for money or when they come into restaurants or coffee shops to beg. So if your ever asked in Berlin if you can speak English, don't answer.

2. Pfand Diggers. In Germany, they have a system in which if you give back the bottles you buy for soda/water/etc. then you receive money back (Pfand). Its similar to what the states has with cans, except it gives back a lot more. Its a way of encouraging people to recycle and not just throw away their bottles. But this invites a huge group of homeless people to spend their days going through all public trashcans looking for bottles. Some will come with flashlights to look into them, and some come into trains to check those trashcans. THIS goes too far when you are in the park or at a picnic and they come and wait for you to finish drinking and then snatch your bottle. But many people work with them, giving them the bottles to get them out of the way.

3. Neo- Nazis. Now, Berlin's a bit different from the "East-German-Hood" (as we CBYXers have named it) of my past host family. In the EGH, the neo Nazis you see are indeed that- nazis. They are real and scary and truly believe in those ideals. But in Berlin I find it to be different. The neo-nazis are just punk kids trying to look tough, who drink a lot and pee on city buildings and all seem to have a huge dog with them ( I was napping in a park once and one of their dogs licked my face...). They won't hurt you, their just sort of douchebags. BUT the other day I saw a guy with a swastika tattooed on his forehead, technically illegal, but that's a good sign he was legit. One just has to remember to speak German when their around you, as to not raise your hand as a foreigner.